A One-Act Play
LIGHTS up. WOMAN is sitting at the kitchen table in between BOY and BABY, who is in her high chair. They are eating lunch. All three of them are wearing sweatpants.
BOY: (pointing at WOMAN's shirt) What are you wearing that green thing for?
WOMAN: It's a tank top.
BOY: You look like...Californication.
LIGHTS down.
From the above script, we can conclude the following:
1. Lil G has seen way too many Red Hot Chili Peppers videos. And he has made note of the fact that the band members are always either topless or in tank tops.
2. He was judging me for my wardrobe choices. Yes, the tank top was a little too boobalicious, but I was wearing it around two people who had just watched me shower.
3. Okay, so we were all wearing sweatpants. I swear this only happens once a week. And we don't leave the house that way. What we should be discussing is the fact that the Little Miss was wearing pants at all. That's right, folks. She no longer wears skirts and leg-warmers every day. Occasionally, I dress her in leggings. Oh, right, and she now owns one pair of sweatpants.
4. I forgot what this list was for. Why am I putting numbers beside every new thought? And what am I supposed to be thinking about? Sure, I could scroll up and check, but I'm phoning it in tonight. Take it or leave it.
5. No, wait--don't go!!! Actually, it's okay. You can go. I think I'm going to watch New Girl. Confession: sometimes I pause that show just to make it last longer.
20 March 2012
14 March 2012
Pardon Me?
I've been partially deaf for a while now due to the build up of wax in my ears. I know it's not sexy, but I'm not currently trying to seduce any of you. Well, except for MLC, and he's the one who flushed my ears, restoring my hearing. The cat's already out of the bag with him. Truth be told, he's witnessed much more disgusting things with me than a little ear clog (see: labour, most of pregnancy, and that time I spent the whole day vomiting after we got married.)
Once the deed was done, all sounds became crystal clear. It was like going from listening to a walkman with those foamy headphones to sitting in a movie theatre and being introduced to THX. Noises I was previously unaware of made themselves known. (Did you know that when I type, the keys actually make a clickety-clack sound?) Suddenly, I became concerned that my baby doesn't really sleep through the night, I just can't hear her cry.
Turns out, that should have been the least of my concerns.
Today, Lil G had a temper tantrum. In his defense, he hasn't had one in ages and his blood sugar level was clearly low. On the side of the prosecution, it went on for an hour and, at one point, worked the Little Miss up enough that I had the wailing of both children reverberating at unnatural decibels in my head.
Now I'm considering stuffing Q-tips in my ears to undo the magic MLC did. Perfect hearing is clearly overrated.
Once the deed was done, all sounds became crystal clear. It was like going from listening to a walkman with those foamy headphones to sitting in a movie theatre and being introduced to THX. Noises I was previously unaware of made themselves known. (Did you know that when I type, the keys actually make a clickety-clack sound?) Suddenly, I became concerned that my baby doesn't really sleep through the night, I just can't hear her cry.
Turns out, that should have been the least of my concerns.
Today, Lil G had a temper tantrum. In his defense, he hasn't had one in ages and his blood sugar level was clearly low. On the side of the prosecution, it went on for an hour and, at one point, worked the Little Miss up enough that I had the wailing of both children reverberating at unnatural decibels in my head.
Now I'm considering stuffing Q-tips in my ears to undo the magic MLC did. Perfect hearing is clearly overrated.
13 March 2012
Time Heals Mean Girl Notes
My neighbourhood seems to be populated with people I went to elementary, junior high, and/or high school with.
That's actually one of the reasons I originally did not want to move back to this city. The thought of encountering people who knew me all my life left me uneasy. I didn't go on any murderous rampages or kick any puppies during the course of my childhood and adolescence, but I still feel as though I've evolved. I was worried others would have this vision of who I was and not be able to see who I've become.
Of course I now realize that the majority of the population does not think about my character ad nauseam. Believe it or not, people have better things to do and more pressing issues on their mind. I mean, do I even need to bring up the Bachelor finale?!!! Oh, Ben, we all knew you were going to pick mean girl Courtney, but it isn't even satisfying seeing you tear up over the error of your ways.
But I digress.
My point is, I saw someone I haven't seen in ages today. Someone who was a good friend of mine in elementary school (side note: we formed an all-girl acapella group called The Sugar Babes in grade 4.) Overall, it's actually really great to spend time with people from my past. We already have the foundation of shared history, making it much easier to forage a friendship. And I'm pretty sure no one's holding that time in grade five when I wrote a really nasty note about my friend against me. I promise I've become a better person now.
That's actually one of the reasons I originally did not want to move back to this city. The thought of encountering people who knew me all my life left me uneasy. I didn't go on any murderous rampages or kick any puppies during the course of my childhood and adolescence, but I still feel as though I've evolved. I was worried others would have this vision of who I was and not be able to see who I've become.
Of course I now realize that the majority of the population does not think about my character ad nauseam. Believe it or not, people have better things to do and more pressing issues on their mind. I mean, do I even need to bring up the Bachelor finale?!!! Oh, Ben, we all knew you were going to pick mean girl Courtney, but it isn't even satisfying seeing you tear up over the error of your ways.
But I digress.
My point is, I saw someone I haven't seen in ages today. Someone who was a good friend of mine in elementary school (side note: we formed an all-girl acapella group called The Sugar Babes in grade 4.) Overall, it's actually really great to spend time with people from my past. We already have the foundation of shared history, making it much easier to forage a friendship. And I'm pretty sure no one's holding that time in grade five when I wrote a really nasty note about my friend against me. I promise I've become a better person now.
12 March 2012
A Smushy (or Barfy, for some of you) Story
Over the past week, and today in particular, it feels as though I'm losing that enigmatic battle. Although I try to keep my cool in front of my kids, I accidentally started crying while I was vacuuming this morning. Lil G walked up to me and said, "Why are you crying, Mommy?"
"I'm just having a hard day, Sweetheart," I replied.
"I can make you feel better!" Lil G told me, then he gave me a big hug.
My kids may complicate every single day of my life, but they also manage to make it better.
~ End of Sentimental Moment. I promise to be back to my regularly sarcastic self tomorrow.~
"I'm just having a hard day, Sweetheart," I replied.
"I can make you feel better!" Lil G told me, then he gave me a big hug.
My kids may complicate every single day of my life, but they also manage to make it better.
~ End of Sentimental Moment. I promise to be back to my regularly sarcastic self tomorrow.~
10 March 2012
Not My Problem O'Clock
To celebrate being within a few pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight, I gave myself a treat today.
...I can't lie to you people.
Yes, I am within a few pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight, but if you know me, you know that I don't look for excuses to treat myself. The truth is, I've needed to eat my feelings a little bit this week and, as of late, my feelings taste like caramel milkshakes. Once the kids' bedtime hits (AKA Not My Problem o'clock), I'll be looking for another treat. Can someone bring by some DQ?
This has not been a great week for me, ladies and germs, not a great week at all.
But let's not dwell on that. Let's talk about ridiculousness, instead. Like Anderson Cooper, I take note of what's nuts in the world on a daily basis. Here's my list for today:
DOMESTIC RIDICULOUSNESS
- MLC ordered a pair of BMW driving gloves and they are currently on route to our house. Feel free to mock him openly and often. I know I will. Of course, there's always the possibility that he'll somehow shave 30 seconds off his 7-minute commute while wearing those babies, and then he'll have the last laugh.
POLITICAL RIDICULOUSNESS
- Santorum? SANTORUM??? Oh, my friends and neighbours to the south, what is your country coming to?
MUNCHKIN RIDICULOUSNESS
- The Little Miss, who is 9-months old, is the same height as the average two-year old. Time to get the WNBA back on the phone.
- Lil G keeps trying to pick up chicks. Considering his love of the guitar and his tendency towards moodiness, he will likely be very successful with the fairer gender as he gets older.
LITERARY RIDICULOUSNESS
- My neighbour keeps lending me books that aren't written by celebrities, so I'm finding myself, once again, reading at an adult level. It's not so bad. Is my brain coming back? Even a little bit? Next time you see me, try having a conversation with me that isn't related to children or reality television. If I'm coherent and have things to offer, we have hope.
THIRST-RELATED RIDICULOUSNESS
- I kind of want a chocolate Diet Coke right now, but I can't do it while I feel your judge-y eyes on me. Look away! Look away!!!
...I can't lie to you people.
Yes, I am within a few pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight, but if you know me, you know that I don't look for excuses to treat myself. The truth is, I've needed to eat my feelings a little bit this week and, as of late, my feelings taste like caramel milkshakes. Once the kids' bedtime hits (AKA Not My Problem o'clock), I'll be looking for another treat. Can someone bring by some DQ?
This has not been a great week for me, ladies and germs, not a great week at all.
But let's not dwell on that. Let's talk about ridiculousness, instead. Like Anderson Cooper, I take note of what's nuts in the world on a daily basis. Here's my list for today:
DOMESTIC RIDICULOUSNESS
- MLC ordered a pair of BMW driving gloves and they are currently on route to our house. Feel free to mock him openly and often. I know I will. Of course, there's always the possibility that he'll somehow shave 30 seconds off his 7-minute commute while wearing those babies, and then he'll have the last laugh.
POLITICAL RIDICULOUSNESS
- Santorum? SANTORUM??? Oh, my friends and neighbours to the south, what is your country coming to?
MUNCHKIN RIDICULOUSNESS
- The Little Miss, who is 9-months old, is the same height as the average two-year old. Time to get the WNBA back on the phone.
- Lil G keeps trying to pick up chicks. Considering his love of the guitar and his tendency towards moodiness, he will likely be very successful with the fairer gender as he gets older.
LITERARY RIDICULOUSNESS
- My neighbour keeps lending me books that aren't written by celebrities, so I'm finding myself, once again, reading at an adult level. It's not so bad. Is my brain coming back? Even a little bit? Next time you see me, try having a conversation with me that isn't related to children or reality television. If I'm coherent and have things to offer, we have hope.
THIRST-RELATED RIDICULOUSNESS
- I kind of want a chocolate Diet Coke right now, but I can't do it while I feel your judge-y eyes on me. Look away! Look away!!!
07 March 2012
I can fly twice as high
I'm currently (half) watching ANTM: British Invasion. I'm not proud of myself, but I also promise you that if the American girls start chanting, "U.S.A! U.S.A!" one more time, I'm turning it off. Even I draw the line somewhere. I mean, I'm so classy, I have avoided any and all television shows related to Jersey Shore and the Kardashians.
Crap. Kris Jenner and two of her Kardashian daughters just showed up on ANTM. There goes my last shred of television-related superiority.
You know what I miss? Reading Rainbow. Don't we all need a little more LeVar Burton in our lives?
I wish someone would hire me to do a modern day Reading Rainbow. But for adults. And instead of books, I'd talk about television. Wait--I'm pretty sure that's The Soup. Now it's back to the drawing board for my future career. Any ideas?
Crap. Kris Jenner and two of her Kardashian daughters just showed up on ANTM. There goes my last shred of television-related superiority.
You know what I miss? Reading Rainbow. Don't we all need a little more LeVar Burton in our lives?
I wish someone would hire me to do a modern day Reading Rainbow. But for adults. And instead of books, I'd talk about television. Wait--I'm pretty sure that's The Soup. Now it's back to the drawing board for my future career. Any ideas?
02 March 2012
Welcome to the Twilight Zone
The Little Miss is taking her morning nap and Lil G is deep inside his imagination. Both kids are glorious. For now...
*
Last night over dinner, I mentioned to MLC that we had a playdate planned for the following day (today.) "What time are they coming over?" MLC inquired. "At 9:30," I replied. "Isn't that kind of late?" he asked.
Please note that we were both referring to 9:30 am.
I'm starting to believe that Suburbia is in its own time zone. For example, 10 pm, Downtown Time = Midnight, Suburban Time.
*
Every time I read GQ it makes me want to dress like a man. Perhaps I should start reading women's fashion magazines instead?
*
Lillith - I knew I liked that Bear cub of yours.
*
Last night over dinner, I mentioned to MLC that we had a playdate planned for the following day (today.) "What time are they coming over?" MLC inquired. "At 9:30," I replied. "Isn't that kind of late?" he asked.
Please note that we were both referring to 9:30 am.
I'm starting to believe that Suburbia is in its own time zone. For example, 10 pm, Downtown Time = Midnight, Suburban Time.
*
Every time I read GQ it makes me want to dress like a man. Perhaps I should start reading women's fashion magazines instead?
*
Lillith - I knew I liked that Bear cub of yours.
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